So we get married and all the image layers come peeling off. We’re in close quarters and what could be intimate in our marriages falls victim to real life. Early on we get used to comments insults and reactions. He use to be so sensitive and hear what I have to say. She used to be so affectionate now I can’t get close. why does he always do this when we are having sex. Why does she always say the wrong thing at the wrong time…’That tickles do it this way.
With each new encounter first month to 30 years comes new reactions that come to be expected. We teach each other who we are and what we can expect. We file these reactions and this all comes together in formulating our marital expectations.
We communicate and without even knowing we’re turning our spouses off. We’re human we get use to things. I can’t talk to her when she’s and he does this when he is pressured. Soon our day to day lives are running on automatic pilot. Hurt and needs go unnoticed and we become insensitive. Some of us become our parents marriages.
So what to do. A little reality check-in might be in order…you know honey why is it that we act the way we do. This really turns me off when you do this and I get so mad and frustrate. I don’t want to be that way. Can you be a little more considerate and not so punitive.
Hey you two roll up those sleeves and tackle some of this marital inertia by looking at your behavior and standing in your spouse’s shoes. Extinguish some of the turn offs and you’ll open the door for a more understanding marriage with less friction and a smoother happier relationship will have the room to emerge.
Marriage Politics
Are you savvy in Marriage Politics? Marriage isn’t political you say. Posturing, maneuvering, lobbying and manipulating are just some of the features we employ knowingly or not throughout our marriages. Politics isn’t bad …it just is. And it most certainly finds its way into most marriages.
When partners understand the politics of their marriage it can relieve much tension from spouses who really want to communicate their needs to their spouses. You don’t have to always agree on the basic tenets of what you feel, it’s just healthy for your message to be heard. Then marriage can really be a two way productive enterprise rather than a stagnant competitive and argumentative grind.
Marital politics should not be aimed at getting back at your spouse but are sometimes used to manipulate a spouse. When that’s the case a person has to be called to the carpet on the use of negative tactics and intentions. Yes that does take mustering some courage and fine tuning your messaging savvy.
When employed appropriately within the context of a caring collaborative relationship, political tactics and approaches can be employed effectively to get a point noticed or to outline an agenda for a happier closer marriage.
How you ask…… well through a flexible non rigid give and take policy and in the context of love and friendship. The message could be feelings which express fundamental relationship issues to the more mundane home decorating choices such as……..I like our relationship better this way….I feel safer with you under these conscious conditions……….I like blue for the kitchen…………I want the lights on when we’re having sex. Using mutually beneficial political tactics can mean I feel better that you understand my needs and let’s try to use approaches that draw us together rather than push us away and apart..
So get with your spouse. Do a little verbal surveying to see how the politics works in your relationship.Define the politics of your marriage for each other and you‘ll experience a more informed and conscious relationship.
Stay tuned for new episodes of “Recharge your Marriage” show with some stimulating surprises. You can find them youtube.com/closermarriage
Download the “Recharge your Marriage” Guide for him and her Free on the Closermarriage.com homepage.
ZEV